Hard Surrender

During my inner healing in Romania I found out that marriage was an idol I had been holding on to for years. As I began to dissect this idol I was looking for the root of it.

Grandparents that have been married for 54 years.
Parents that have been divorced most of my life.
Trying to find my identity in boys.

Enough clarification I would say.

The process of changing marriage from an idol to a Godly desire began.

First by laying down past relationships and start praying for those boys.
I had to pray about my singleness and the good in all of it.
I began listening to podcasts and sermons on what Christian relationships should look like.
I became more aware of my thoughts and conversations about marriage.
I began desiring a relationship with God more than anything else.

Two weeks ago I prayed a bold prayer as a night service was ending. The pastor asked us to lay anything down and surrender it to the Lord.

“God if you want me to be single for my entire life I will do it. Just show me that this is what you have for me. If you have a husband for me. Just let me know that I will eventually get married. You know that this is a desire of mine but I am surrendering.” As I opened my eyes, I was in disbelief that I had just prayed that. Idolization to Celibacy… I mean sure, thats fine too.

Then this morning happened.

I am currently working my way through the Old Testament and each day there is a Psalms to read.

Today I was in Chapter 20.

Psalms 20:4 “May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.”

You will give me my desires? You will help my plans succeed? I asked God.

Then I asked myself “What are my actual desires?”

Journal Answers: Social Justice
Marriage
Travel
100/100 Friendships or Community

Are these desires biblical?

Journal Answers: Social Justice- Isaiah 1:17 Proverbs 31:9 Micah 6:8 James 1:27
Marriage- Genesis 1:27-28 Ecclesiastes 4:9 Ephesians 5:25
Travel- Mark 16:15 Matthew 24:14 Psalms 96:3 Revelation 14:6-7
Friendship- Proverbs 18:24 John 15:13 Matthew 18:20

After looking through these I had tears in my eyes. Not necessarily because God will fulfill these desires but because He answered a prayer that I had prayed a few weeks ago. He spoke to me after a few months where I felt like I was not hearing His voice. I felt like our relationship was stagnant and I wanted more. God gave me these desires and He will fulfill them. Just in His timing.

Updates:

We fly to Cambodia on January 23rd for an Awakening. This is a time to be with 3 other squads that are currently in Southeast Asia. We will worship together. Hear sessions. Evangelize.

Then we are off to Lesotho, Africa where we will be off the grid in a village working with an organization that helps children learn life skills and sends them back to their homes. I am beyond excited for this.

I will try to post blogs as much as possible. One thing God has really laid on my heart is blogging once a week about ministry but also about my personal growth.

My squad leaders are still in the process of fundraising as they thought they were staying for only 5 months but then God revealed they would be with us the whole race.
If you feel led to donate you can check out their blogs at:

http://davantejones.theworldrace.org

http://juliereusser.theworldrace.org

Julie is also selling these fun shirts: https://www.bonfire.com/julies-punny-t-shirt/

http://madisongoodwin.theworldrace.org

Thank you all for your support. I would love to hear ways I can be praying for you in this season of your life.

Prayer Requests:
Team Unity- We recently changed teams and this month has been amazing. I want to continue getting close to these girls and loving each other well.
Culture Shock- As we move continents I would love for my heart as well as others to be prepared for change and adjust well.
Leadership- I want to continue to lead my team well in serving them and knowing what they need.