Breakdown in Belgrade

Hey friends I am sorry for the lack of updates I have given recently so here are a few.

August 31st I left Tirana Albania and took a night train to Belgrade Serbia. I spent four days in a hostel with the rest of my squad where we talked about the past month,rested and let me tell you I broke down.

I am a crier. I have always been sensitive but month one I only cried a few times. Then debrief came and the tears kept flowing. Everyday I was crying…sometimes multiples times.

Debrief is meant for rest but this one was emotionally draining. We focused on vulnerability and even though I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve already, this weekend was different.

We were asked to bring darkness to light. I had the opportunity to share with my squad different things and the first night I could not physically go up there and share in front of 45 people. The next morning I woke up and did not feel like I needed to share with my squad. Then I read Ephesians 5 which talks about bringing the darkness to light. At that point I knew Jesus was telling me to share.

That night I shared and I did not feel better. I felt like I was being judged. Stared at. I cried my self to sleep. In all honesty though, that was the enemy feeding me lies.

I have always struggled with self worth. I put on a facade so others cannot tell but in all honesty it’s not hard to observe. The way I carry myself. The way I talk to others. The way it takes longer than an hour to get ready because I do not feel pretty enough or do not have the best outfit. The way I plan out Instagram photos or look down at the ground while walking. Through this I tried to find my self worth in everything but Jesus Christ Himself.

My squad leader and I had a conversation at the beginning of August and she told me to read So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore so I took her advice. This weekend I finished it and let me tell you I feel at ease. I felt like a weight was lifted off of me and I’m beginning to see myself in Jesus Christs image rather than comparing my self to others, finding worth in the things people say to me or how I am treated.

Beth Moore talks about how she was not taking the insecurities and using them how the enemy wanted but she was not taking them and dealing with them how God wanted either. She changed my perspective on insecurities and how as a daughter of Christ I need to work through these insecurities and see how God truly created me to be.

When I step off the plane in June 2018, I hope to truly see the image God created me in and let these insecurities be wiped away. I pray that I no longer put myself down or degrade my physical body parts when I look into the mirror. I pray that I walk confidently as a daughter of Christ.