Living Through A Drought

I am about to get real with you quickly. Honesty is the best policy am I right?

After saying yes to The World Race, my life seems shaky. I have been struggling physically, financially and spiritually. Satan is interfering with my daily life. I have been sick more in the past two months than the past four years. I had to ask my sister to help me pay my December rent (I know, she’s pretty great.) The point is that God is taking things away from me and I am frustrated. I sit down, try to journal and leave with a blank page. I try to pray and I lay there staring at the ceiling. My alarm goes off on Sunday mornings, and I am late to church because going seems more of a chore than a catalyst for my week. On Wednesday nights, I use work as an excuse to skip small group. I simply cannot force myself to go into this safe space to talk about God, whom seems distant to me. I should enjoy those activities because going to church and convening in fellowship are the bread and water of Christian community.

Throughout this spiritual drought there is a recurring word and it is

Pursuit

Usually when I hear this word I think of a man trying to have a relationship with a woman. If I have talked about relationships with you, you have heard me say “I just want to be pursued by a man.” I know, a hopeless romantic if you will. This leads to over analyzing things when I do meet a man. I always question the purpose of the encounter. Will this be a life long friendship? Is there a lesson to be learned? This leads to an experience I recently had. I met someone. I pursued them. I learned about who they were as a person. I spent time with them. It ended. I began asking God similar questions. I did not feel as if anything came from the relationship besides hurt and insecurities.

One morning on my way to work I found words for God. To be honest, it probably was not the way I should speak to my Heavenly Father. I was frustrated and tired. I pleaded for some kind of break. A break from work. A break from being sick and feeling worthless. A break from this spiritual drought I had been experiencing. It then led to questioning God. Instead of asking God, what was the purpose of meeting this person? I asked God to show me what I could learn from this relationship. At this point it had been two days since I even tried to pray.

Then is hit me like a brick wall.

I wanted to be pursued by a man. I longed to be loved and talked to daily. God wants me to pursue Him. He longs to be loved and talked to daily by me. This lesson has made me begin looking at my relationship with God like a romantic relationship. Some of you might be saying “Duh Brit it took you twenty three years to figure that out.” All I have to say is “yes, yes it did.” I think about how in a relationship with a paramour you speak daily, you pursue each other, you hangout and yearn to know more about one another. That is what God wants from me. A relationship where I talk to him often, dig into the word to learn and show him off through my actions. Through this hurt it is important for me to share this significant lesson God presented me with. As I put so much emotions and effort into a man, God patiently waited for me to see the correlation of our relationship.

If you enjoyed reading please subscribe to my blog. I would also appreciate prayers as I prepare to leave for The World Race in 8 months. If you feel led to donate or buy a t-shirt please email or call me. Thank you and love you friends! 

“Things that go wrong can shape us or scar us.” – Bob Goff