The Heart I Did Not Want

I remember it so clearly. Laying starfish on the bedroom floor in Cambodia. Looking at the ceiling and throwing a fit inside my head. We had just finished a session with Gary Black and the Lord spoke to me through it.

“Guys I think the Lord is telling me to squad lead” I whined.

Talya throws out one of those gut wrenching questions you need but do not always want to hear.

“Brit have you prayed about it as much as you talk about it?

“Uh no.” I said a little flabbergasted but oh so thankful for a friend who sets me straight.

So then began the month of prayer. By the end feeling at peace that I IN FACT was not supposed to squad lead. Just because I would be good at something does not mean I was called to it.

The following month I was in South Africa as a camp counselor. My parents came to see me and I told them that I did not know what I was going to do. I had recently been wait listed at my dream graduate school and surrendered my plans to the Lord in January. I was just waiting on more direction.

I had fallen in love with camp counseling. The fact that every day I was able to disciple and build relationships with people around me. I was able to pour into them and answer any questions the campers may have about the Lord. After my parents had left I went to Starbucks to process my whole month. I realized how similar camp counseling was to squad leading and then tried to just erase that idea out of my head because I WAS NOT SQUAD LEADING!!

The next evening I had a dinner date with Madie and well she asked the question I did not want to hear. I prayed about it. I called my family crying telling them that I would be leaving for another five months and at that point I had not even been home from my own World Race.

I wrestled with the Lord alot.

“God if you want me to do this you are going to have to change my heart.”

“If I am really meant to squad lead, you will have to provide the funds because I HATE FUNDRAISING.”

“Lord why do I have to leave again? I just want to be closer to my family and friends.”

”I want to start my career in Social Work.”

All the questions. All the complaining.

P-squad I did not want you. I did not want to travel with you. I did not want to love you. I did not want to serve you or serve with you.

BUT I AM SO GLAD I SAID YES.

As I go into this last month with you, I need you to know that the Lord changed my heart. He not only changed it, He made it so hard for me to want to leave.
This community feels safe. This community looks like the church should. This community fights for me. This community loves with no conditions.

It has been an honor to laugh with you. Cry with you. Have deep conversations. Alot of coffee dates. Alot of adventures. To watch as you have grown in your boldness as a follower. Learning to love yourself. Confidently finding your identity in Christ.

I honestly did not know I could love a group of people more. I did not know that when someone hurts, I would also hurt just as badly. I did not know that when some of you would argue or disagree I would be upset inside because I saw the outsiders perspective. I saw the hearts that each person has and I wanted you to love each other just as much as I love you each individually. I did not know how much I would love celebrating revelations the Lord gives or stepping out of valleys with you.

As I take this full circle back into Cambodia I want you to know that I am the most grateful for you. That In fact after all the complaining, fit throwing, and tears I am here in this beautiful country with my P-Squad.

Like Bob Goff says, Last One. Best One.

Update: We made it to Cambodia just a few hours ago. I am reunited with Madie which I am so thankful for. We change teams and raise up squad leaders in three days! I fly to the states a month from today. Cue the screams, tears, and all the other emotions.